Your Need To Know

Yesterday, a very dear friend of mine told me she has strong fear of rejection.  So much so that she could not bring herself to apply for a new position with her employer. A position for which she is more than qualified.  Even though this new position pays quite a bit more, with better working conditions, she could still not bring herself to apply.  It seems her fear of rejection is more of a motivator than the benfits of this positive carreer opportunity.  

What is the Fear of Rejection and Why Do I Have It?

Fear of rejection is a very common phobia that strikes millions of people in all areas of their lives.

Fear of rejection is the irrational fear that others will not accept you for who you are, what you believe, or how you act. It is a state of mind that makes you incapable of doing or saying something out of fear of others’ rejection, lack of acceptance, or disapproval. It is an attitude that inhibits your creativity, productivity, and imagination.

This phobia can play a large part in a person’s choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal relationships, family life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time.  It can actually be the driving force of some people for all the actions in their lives.

There are some common and obvious behavior patterns of people who operate out of fear:

• They do not speak up and let others know how they feel about something, especially if their opinions differ.
• They lack healthy self-concepts, self-worth, or self-esteem. 
• They display little or no assertiveness.
• They are confused as to their true identity.
• They lack the courage to function differently from others
• They will keep their personal feelings hidden.

The more a person dwells negatively upon an instance of rejection, the harder it becomes to get up the courage to face another occasion when they might get rejected again.

Why Do I Have A Fear of Rejection?

Most people suffering from fear of rejection have low self-esteem and a debilitating lack of self-confidence. They may have had a very dysfunctional or abusive childhood.  They may have lacked appropriate role models in life who accepted them for who they really were. They may have suffered from social isolation in their early lives. They may have been told all their life that they were second best or different.  They may have never been exposed to healthy ways of dealing with conflict or disagreement.  Or, they may have had a traumatic experience of rejection such as a divorce or separation that deeply scarred them.

How Do I Overcome This Fear?

One of the best ways to overcome a fear of rejection is to deliberately put yourself into situations where you get rejected a lot. If you actually confront these situations, your fear will lessen as you become more used to dealing with it.

This requires you to step beyond your comfort zone, but no matter what the results, you can feel  good about facing the fear of rejection squarely without giving in. By proving to yourself that you can face up to your fears, they will eventually lose their power over you.  Remember, if you never put yourself in a situation where someone can say “no” to you, you will never be in a situation where someone can say “yes.”

More Ways to Overcome:

• Work on building your self-esteem.  (See How To Build Self-esteem)
• Remind yourself why you want to overcome your fear. Remind yourself that your goal is to have a happy and fulfilled life.
• Realize that you have your own identity and you don’t need the approval of others to feel good about yourself.
• Realize that occasional rejection is simply a part of life. It doesn’t mean you are a flawed human being. Like everything else in life it just takes practice.
• Change your “Self-talk.” Change what you say to yourself about rejection. Learn how to subsitute new ways of thinking about rejection in the place of your previous negative and self attacking thoughts.
• Don’t tie your self worth to whether or not you get accepted or rejected by other people.

The only person whose acceptance you really need is YOU!  Even though you can’t control how other people react to you, you can control how you react to rejection.

Here is a quote from Charles Swindoll which I thought was appropriate:

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude, to me, is more than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money,
than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make
or break a company, a church, a home.  The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our
past.  We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have,
and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.

Gina

Technorati Tags: Fear-of-rejection, Phobias, Self-improvement

I can’t imagine anything easier than saying the words “I love you.”  But for whatever reasons, many people just don’t do it.  Maybe we believe that our loved ones don’t need to hear it, that they don’t want to, or that they won’t believe it.  Maybe our parents seldom said it to us. 

Maybe we’re too stubborn or too shy.  Whatever the reason, it’s not good enough.  There are just too many important reasons to tell the people in your life that you love them.

Whether or not you heard these words enough in your life is not at issue here.  At issue here is the fact that saying “I love you” makes people feel good.  It reminds them that they are not alone and that you care.  It raises their self-esteem and makes you feel good too.   It is simple, painless, and free.

Saying “I love you” is one of the most powerful sentences in the world.  People who know they are loved (because they have been told) are able to offer the world their love in return.  They have a quiet confidence and a sense of inner peace.

One of my firmest beliefs is that when you have what you want, your natural inclination is to give back to others.  So by saying “I love you” to a single person, you are, indirectly, helping the world at large. 

Genuinely saying the words “I love you” can erase a myriad of mistakes in the eyes of your loved ones.  This has many personal benefits as well.  It feels good.  Since giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin, it’s absolutely true that giving is it’s own reward.  Saying these loving words is one of the most basic and simple forms of giving.

There are so many opportunities to express your love in this manner: When you get home, when you leave, when you awake in the morning and before you go to bed.  Develop the habit of saying “I love you” before hanging up when talking on the telephone. 

Your opportunities are unlimited.  This will be one of the easiest things you ever do, one of the most important, and one of the most rewarding.  

 Gina

Technorati Tags: Self-esteem, Love, Self-improvement 

Just Who Do You Think You Are?

Each of us has a concept of ourselves.  Our self-concept is a combination of all the thoughts and experiences that have happened to us over the course of our lives.  These thoughts and experiences come together to form an image of the person we believe ourselves to be.  Our self-concept is a controlling factor in determining much of our success and happiness in life.  In everything we do, we always act and respond in a manner consistent with our self-image.

The root of our self-concept and the core of our personality is self-esteem.  Our self-esteem is the level of satisfaction we have in ourselves.

Our self-esteem is a very important factor in our success and achievements.  A person with high self-esteem likes him or herself.  People who genuinely like and accept themselves as valuable, perform at higher levels of effectiveness and attain higher levels of achievement. 

We are all born into this world without any concept of ourselves.   Every concept we now have of who we are, we learned while we were growing up.   At a very young age, we began to develop our self-concept based on the way our parents treated us.  We learned whether we were lovable, intelligent, talented, or worthwhile. If we did not receive high-quality love in the first three to five years, we developed deficiencies.  For the rest of our lives, we will try to compensate for these deficiencies rather than realize our potential.

We continue developing our self-concept for the rest of our lives based on what we experience and what we think.  Experiences during our childhood play an especially large role in shaping our basic self-esteem. 

When growing up, how we were treated by our family, friends, teachers, coaches, and preachers all contributed to creating our basic self-esteem. If we were harshly criticized, yelled at, ridiculed, beaten or abused, we likely will have low self-esteem.  If we were expected to be perfect all the time and given messages that our shortcomings meant we were failures, we likely will have low self-esteem.

A healthy self-esteem means we are able to accept ourselves as worthy and worthwhile unconditionally and without reservation.

Does your self-concept and self-esteem need improvement?   Most of us have an idea of what low self-esteem is, but it is not always easy to recognize. 

Ask yourself these questions:

Do I really like myself?  Do I love myself?  Or,

• Do I act happy and successful, but I am really terrified of failure? 
• Do I live with constant anger about not feeling “good enough”?
• Do I always need to prove that others’ criticisms don’t bother me? 
• Do I constantly look to others for guidance? 
• Do I feel unable to cope with the world and use self-pity or indifference as a shield?
• Do I constantly criticize or belittle myself?
• Am I overly jealous?
   Being jealous is a result of a low self-image because a person with a high self- image and a high level of self-esteem does not feel jealous.

Am I anxious, stressed, lonely or depressed?  These can all be negative consequences of low self-esteem.  These negative consequences themselves reinforce a negative self-image and can spiral a person into lower and lower self-esteem.

How do I raise my self-image and self-esteem? 

Help Yourself

1.   Think about your ideal self.  Everyone has feelings, thoughts and mental pictures of the ideal person we would like to be. 

2.   Setting goals and thinking about them continually raises our self-image and moves us towards our ideal self.  This causes us to like our self more and moves us toward the full realization of our potential.

3.   Remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments.  Make a list of the things you like about yourself.  Keep a list of accomplishments you are proud of where you can see them (Awards, degrees, certificates, citations, etc.).

4.    Make affirmations.  Affirm that you are a worthy person and deserving to feel good.  Affirm that you really like yourself and compliment or reward yourself for every accomplishment.

5.   Plan fun and relaxing things for yourself.  Do more of the things you really enjoy.

6.   Take care of yourself.  Eat healthy, get plenty of exercise and rest, and practice good hygiene.

Get Help From Others

1.   Ask your friends to tell you what they like about you and what they think you do well.

2.   Ask someone who loves you to remind you that they do.

3.   Talk to a therapist or Counselor.  Sometimes low self-esteem can be so difficult to overcome that the help of a professional therapist or counselor is needed.  Talking to a counselor is a good way to learn more about your self-esteem issues and begin to improve. 

As difficult as it may seem, improving your self-esteem will be well worth the effort.  Set a course towards greater satisfaction with yourself and with your life.

Gina

 Technorati Tags:Self-esteem, Self-concept, Self-image