Your Need To Know

Most people would acknowledge the fact that the people we spend time around have an affect on us. We are affected both positively and negatively. Children are affected by their parents, parents are affected by their children, spouses by each other, and siblings by each other. Our friends, neighbors, and people we work with, also affect us.

Sometimes, we have no control over who we spend time with – like the people we work with and family members. Other times, we have complete control over who we spend time with, such as our friends, people we talk to on the telephone, and people we invite into our homes.

Your time is one of your most important and precious assets. So doesn’t it make sense to make wise choices about who we spend our precious time with? Do you spend time with people who are good for you and having a positive affect on your life, or do you choose your company with out giving this much thought? Are you surprised by your honest answer to this question?

Think, for a minute about the people with whom you spend your time. Maybe you don’t know why you are friends with some people. Have you ever thought about what affect they are having on you?

I would like to encourage you to take an honest look at how you feel when you are with someone. Is this person helping you to grow? Is this a person you admire and respect? Do you share similar values? Do you feel good after you have spent your time with them?

I’m certainly not suggesting that you break off any friendships, and I’m not suggesting old friendships based on history or even obligation are wrong. I’m merely suggesting you might want to consider spending less time with people who are not having a positive impact on your life. If you do this, you may realize there are some people you would rather not spend so much time with.

This has absolutely nothing to do with making judgments about these people, and it doesn’t mean that you don’t respect them or think they are good people. It doesn’t mean you think that you are any better than they are. It just means that if you don’t feel good when you are with them, or you don’t feel this person is contributing positively to your life, free up some of that time to meet other people or spend more time alone.

I know I have met many people in my life that I really like for one reason or another, but I would rather not spend much time with them. I also have lifelong friends with whom I no longer share the closeness and compatibility we once had. We have grown apart, as many people do, and gone in different directions in our lives. I suppose that most of these people probably feel the same about me.

I acknowledge the fact that I am affected by the people around me. We emulate those who we are most closely associated. I am a believer in the psychological theory that you become like those you associate with most of the time. If you want to be good at golf, then hang around with people who are good golfers. If you want to have money, hang around with people who you want to emulate with money.

He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. Proverbs 13:20 NIV

We only have a certain amount of time to spend with other people, so it’s up to us to make the best choices we can. The people you choose to spend time with can have a lot of influence on your attitude and overall state of well being. Choose the company you keep wisely. Your life will be less stressful and more fulfilling.

Gina

Technorati Tags:Self-improvement, Self-help, Personal Development

Yesterday, a very dear friend of mine told me she has strong fear of rejection.  So much so that she could not bring herself to apply for a new position with her employer. A position for which she is more than qualified.  Even though this new position pays quite a bit more, with better working conditions, she could still not bring herself to apply.  It seems her fear of rejection is more of a motivator than the benfits of this positive carreer opportunity.  

What is the Fear of Rejection and Why Do I Have It?

Fear of rejection is a very common phobia that strikes millions of people in all areas of their lives.

Fear of rejection is the irrational fear that others will not accept you for who you are, what you believe, or how you act. It is a state of mind that makes you incapable of doing or saying something out of fear of others’ rejection, lack of acceptance, or disapproval. It is an attitude that inhibits your creativity, productivity, and imagination.

This phobia can play a large part in a person’s choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal relationships, family life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time.  It can actually be the driving force of some people for all the actions in their lives.

There are some common and obvious behavior patterns of people who operate out of fear:

• They do not speak up and let others know how they feel about something, especially if their opinions differ.
• They lack healthy self-concepts, self-worth, or self-esteem. 
• They display little or no assertiveness.
• They are confused as to their true identity.
• They lack the courage to function differently from others
• They will keep their personal feelings hidden.

The more a person dwells negatively upon an instance of rejection, the harder it becomes to get up the courage to face another occasion when they might get rejected again.

Why Do I Have A Fear of Rejection?

Most people suffering from fear of rejection have low self-esteem and a debilitating lack of self-confidence. They may have had a very dysfunctional or abusive childhood.  They may have lacked appropriate role models in life who accepted them for who they really were. They may have suffered from social isolation in their early lives. They may have been told all their life that they were second best or different.  They may have never been exposed to healthy ways of dealing with conflict or disagreement.  Or, they may have had a traumatic experience of rejection such as a divorce or separation that deeply scarred them.

How Do I Overcome This Fear?

One of the best ways to overcome a fear of rejection is to deliberately put yourself into situations where you get rejected a lot. If you actually confront these situations, your fear will lessen as you become more used to dealing with it.

This requires you to step beyond your comfort zone, but no matter what the results, you can feel  good about facing the fear of rejection squarely without giving in. By proving to yourself that you can face up to your fears, they will eventually lose their power over you.  Remember, if you never put yourself in a situation where someone can say “no” to you, you will never be in a situation where someone can say “yes.”

More Ways to Overcome:

• Work on building your self-esteem.  (See How To Build Self-esteem)
• Remind yourself why you want to overcome your fear. Remind yourself that your goal is to have a happy and fulfilled life.
• Realize that you have your own identity and you don’t need the approval of others to feel good about yourself.
• Realize that occasional rejection is simply a part of life. It doesn’t mean you are a flawed human being. Like everything else in life it just takes practice.
• Change your “Self-talk.” Change what you say to yourself about rejection. Learn how to subsitute new ways of thinking about rejection in the place of your previous negative and self attacking thoughts.
• Don’t tie your self worth to whether or not you get accepted or rejected by other people.

The only person whose acceptance you really need is YOU!  Even though you can’t control how other people react to you, you can control how you react to rejection.

Here is a quote from Charles Swindoll which I thought was appropriate:

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude, to me, is more than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money,
than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make
or break a company, a church, a home.  The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our
past.  We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have,
and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.

Gina

Technorati Tags: Fear-of-rejection, Phobias, Self-improvement

Are you a good listener?  Most of us need a lot of work in this area and I would have to say that men need it the most.  I am certainly not accusing all men of being poor listeners. As I said, most of us need work in this area, but of all the women I have known in my lifetime, most of them will complain that their husband, boyfriend, or father is not a very good listener.  Most of them say that any improvement in their listening skills would be greatly appreciated, and certainly would do wonders for their relationship.

Listening is almost like a magic pill guaranteed to produce results. Just improve your listening skills!

The payback for being a good listener is powerful and certain, yet so few of us become good listeners. As far as men are concerned, I believe they feel that listening is a non-proactive solution.  In other words, if they don’t jump in and offer advice or some other solution right away, they feel as if they aren’t doing anything.  They feel they are being too passive. It can be hard for men to accept the fact that listening itself is the solution.

If you were to ask couples in a loving relationship, what is the secret to their success, most will say it their partner’s ability to listen.  Many will say this is the most significant factor in determining the quality of their relationship.  This is also true of positive father/daughter and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

Listening can be a difficult but invaluable skill.  Here are some ways to become a better listener:

Give your full attention.  This is a big one.  Don’t think about something else and don’t try to listen to someone while trying to pay attention to the television or some other distraction. If you are doing other things and simply saying “Uh-huh”, the other person will probably feel annoyed at your responses.

Repeat back what you’re hearing.  This is so the other person knows what you heard.
By telling someone what you think they meant, you can confirm that you’ve understood them. It also affirms the value of what they said. It shows them that not only did you hear them, but that you were listening. This demonstrates that you care. The main thing to remember is that the more actively involved you are in a conversation, the easier it is to pay proper attention to it.

Maintain eye contact.  Always direct your visual attention to the person to whom you are listening. Don’t just listen with your ears, but also with your eyes. Pay attention to facial expressions and body language. You’ll be surprised how much information comes through gestures and stance.  One estimate has it that 75% of all communication is non-verbal. If you take away the words, what’s left? Plenty, it turns out. Beyond the words themselves is a host of clues as to what the speaker is communicating.

We will become better listeners when we begin to understand how much being listened to is valued by the people we love.  When someone genuinely listens to us, it feels as though we are heard and loved.  It nourishes our spirit and makes us feel understood.  When we don’t feel listened to, our hearts sink.  We feel as though something is missing.  We feel incomplete and dissatisfied.   

Few of us become good listeners because we don’t realize how bad we are!  Other than someone telling us or pointing it out to us in some way, how would we know?  Our poor listening skills become an invisible habit that we don’t know we have. 

Determining how effective you are as a listener takes a great deal of honesty and humility.  You have to pay attention and evaluate your own listening skills.  Do you jump in and interrupt?  Do you begin thinking of something else before the person you are listening to has finished?  Do you look like you’re listening “just because?”

Practice performing some exercises to improve your listening skills.  This will be about as close as you will get to guaranteed results.  You might be amazed at how quickly old problems and issues correct themselves and how much closer you will feel to the ones you love. 

Becoming a better listener is an art form, yet it’s not at all complicated.  All it requires is your intention to become a better listener followed by a little practice. Your effort will be well worth it.

Gina

Technorati Tags: Self-improvement